In today's thought-shard, we are taking a break from politics and having some fun. We decided to tackle a real problem facing America today. Annoying self-storage customers. For crying out loud, please don't be any of these people EVER!
Disclaimer: News Digger Research did not use any scientific testing, APA cited research, opinion polls, or surveys to determine each customer profile. Some customers can be a combination of more than one of these, making them even more despicable. We use the “storage specialist” to describe anyone working in the self-storage facility “sales office” who may be customer-facing. These customer profiles may apply to other industries outside of storage, especially retail sales.
The Pre-opener - Nothing is more dreadful than pulling in to see that car in the parking lot before the office is even open. Oh, And their dumbfounded look when the door doesn't open while the office hours stare them right in the face. What is even worse is when the customer has been here for years and should know better.
The Premature Pricer - Planning is one thing; shopping for prices on something you are not prepared to buy for four to six months is plain stupid. Storage prices change based on supply and demand, so they will be completely different when this customer says they need it. They waste the time of the storage specialist who works in the sales office and their own time. They will have to do this all over again when they are ready. If you want prices or are just getting an "idea," do what everyone else does, search it up on Google. Don't call or come in until your close, at the very least.
The Unready Payer - This one happens more often than it should. It hurts my brain. This customer calls the sales office on the phone to make a payment, and when the storage specialist asks them to read off the card, they have to put them on hold to get their card. They don't have their card ready? Why? You called them to make the payment. Think about when you ordered food over the phone; Normal people have their credit card prepared before they dial. The worst is when the card reader times out as the Unready Payer finally begins to read it off to the storage specialist.
The Card Speeder - Unlike the Unready Payer, this person quickly reads off their credit card number before the storage associate can even acknowledge that they are ready. The Card Speeder races their ability to read the card against the storage associates' ability to hear it, let alone type it. The worst is when the storage associate asks them ahead of time to read the card slowly, and then they zip right through it anyway. Then they get frustrated when the storage specialist has to ask them to repeat it. Slow down. I have to type it!
The Serial Caller – The storage specialist is with another customer, but this one calls and calls and sometimes calls, not leaving a message. They must think they are the only customer we have. What's the emergency?! OMG! ARE YOU STUCK BEHIND THE GATE?!
WHAT?!! Oh, you want to make a payment? It's not even due till next week, jeez!
The Meal Ninja - There is a saying spoken amongst storage specialists. If you want customers to come into the sales office, try and eat something.
The Pepperidge Farmer - Completely baffled that a 10 x 20 doesn't cost $50 a month. Because that's what it cost the last time they happened to use storage on November 5th, 1955.
The Apostate - They have a dresser, a full-size bed, and a recliner that they insist will fit into a small 5 x 5, and they refuse to listen to the storage specialist who insists that it is not going to do. Or it is the customer who has the car he wants to put in a 10 x 15. It will work, they say; I will make it fit, they say. OK. The storage specialist told you it wouldn't. You will see. Apostates insist on learning the hard way.
The EnRoute Vower - There are 10 minutes before the sales office closes, and they are calling 20 minutes away. The worse thing that the storage specialist can do is wait for them beyond closing, and they don't show. Never again!
The Time Parker - The Time Parker brings an unknown vehicle to the storage facility. They pull in and wait an ungodly amount of time before either coming in or leaving. The storage specialist is now stuck frozen in time, waiting to figure out what the Time Parker is doing, unable to do their other tasks or take a break.
The Ear Hunter - You can run, but you can't hide. They find the storage specialist and talk and talk and talk. Until the storage specialist bleeds from their ears, they give the Ear Hunter hints, but they don't stop.
The Home-blocker/The Doorstopper - They come in before the storage specialist closes or keeps them later. They will even notice the time and make a statement about it but will still prevent the storage specialist from going home anyway.
The Castaway - They are lost on the property somewhere and at the wrong unit, but swearing they are not while saying that they can't get their key to work.
The Accuser - They think a storage specialist went inside their storage unit and insist that they, not themselves moved things or took things. Or even accuse the storage specialist of moving their entire unit. Yeah, Coo-coo.
The Blame-shifter - Somehow, for whatever reason, it's the storage specialists' fault because they didn't pay their bill on time.
The Amnesiac - This customer never remembers their payment date. This customer never remembers how long the grace period is. This customer never remembers their gate code.
Caged-crabs - This customer got in but didn't know how to get out. Somehow, they can't read signs or figure it out, so they stay dumbfounded before the exit. Or they are the relatives of the tenant or the moving company. The worst is when it's a piggy-backer that is in the wrong facility! The wrong ones are Feral-piggy backers, but they are not technically customers.
Lockheads - These are customers who have vacated but thought it was a good idea to lock up the empty unit when they have the keys. "Don't you guys have master keys? I thought that lock was yours?" Remember when you were upset when the storage specialist told you that you had to PURCHASE this lock? They told you to make sure you take it off when you said you were canceling your storage?
Even-Flows - They are always in auction status, and they barely make it. Scrape together somehow at the very last moments. They are always begging the storage specialist to waive fees, even though they have already waived tons of fees for them over the years. The storage specialist has even gone on the limb for them a few times, riding the policy line only for them to be right back in the same situation anyway.
Shawshank's - They have been in storage for a long time. They complain about how long they have been there and how much less it was when they first got in compared to what it is now. They always threaten that they are going to move out and never do. They may even have a move-out notice still in there from two years ago. The storage specialist has told them multiple times that they don't have "SPECIALS" or discounts for them being there so long. That is not how it works. The storage specialist has lowered their rates too many times, and they are still under street rate.
Asker-Bys - This customer catches the storage specialist out on the property and gives them specific information or asks about detailed information concerning their account as if this person keeps all that information inside their head.
Space Invaders - It's rare, but it happens. A customer finds their way into a restricted area and catches the storage specialist off guard. Sometimes scaring the storage specialist half to death. They either need to ask a question or are looking for the bathroom. How did you get back here?!
Sign-Blinders - These customers could be looking directly at the sign but somehow not see it. The sign says to be back at 1:30 PM. They call the sales office when the storage specialist is at lunch and say, "Uh, I'm out front and the doors locked?"
If we've missed any, please let us know.
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